Got a dilemma? Tell us about it!
Q.A really good friend of mine dated this guy a while back. I recently ran into him and I'm interested in pursuing things with him. How should I handle things with my friend?
- Ganelle (24), Chicago
A. Stop and think! Ask yourself a few questions first. How did things end with them? How did he treat her when they dated? Who dumped who? Remember, they broke up for a reason. How long ago did they date? These are all serious questions. I've seen friendships end because of friends dating others exes. Is this guy really that important? After you answered those questions, if you're still interested in pursuing it, talk to your friend. She will appreciate that you cared enough about her opinion and her feelings to talk to her. It also shows that you value your friendships a lot more than a potential relationship. If she's not cool with it, don't pursue it. No guy is worth losing a friendship.
Q.I've been dating this guy for four months. At the beginning things were great. He was so sweet and romantic, but now all the romance seems to be gone. How do I get him to be the way he was before?
- Krista (27), San Francisco
A. Are you acting the same way you did at the beginning of the relationship? Probably not. We usually try to be our best foot forward when relationships first get started. The first few months are almost like an audition; we try to be the best version of ourselves possible. Now that you've settled into a relationship with this guy, he's probably doesn't feel the need to woo you anymore. Why does he need to when he already has you? Tell him how you feel. Let him know that you miss the romantic gestures. Romance is not a one-way street. There's no reason for you to limit the romantic gestures from your end. So send him a cute, romantic e-greeting. It's casual and sweet and shows him that you care. Maybe he'll get the hint and reciprocate.
Q.I just started dating this guy and he's perfect in pretty much every way, expect that he's a horrible kisser! Every time we kiss, my face is covered in slobber. Help me!
- Steph (23), Little Rock
A. Every girl has encountered the guy who doesn't kiss quite the way we like it. Charlotte on Sex and the City had the same problem, and provided the perfect resolution. Tell him how you liked to be kissed, and then show him. He should get the hint, and his future girlfriends will love you from saving them from the un-requested face wash. But remember, be diplomatic. No body likes to hear that they're bad at anything, especially the nookie.
Q. I am seeing this guy who is 14 years older than me and I don't understand him all the time. He breaks things off and then later on calls and says he misses me. I always go back to him. He doesn't know what he wants, he said he likes his freedom so we are not exclusive or anything. Should I leave him or should I stick with him?
- Carol (20), Hawaii
A. This guy is clearly not worth your time. Since you are 20, I can see the appeal to dating older guys - they have their life on track, they have money, they are better in bed, and they generally treat you better and appreciate you more than most younger guys. At least these are the main reasons I have dated older guys. You, however, should look at why you date older guys. You should not be putting up with the crap you have been taking from this guy - especially since he's older; he should know better!
It sounds to me like he's just taking advantage of you - and you're letting him. The moment you decide to stop putting up with crap and "settling" for second best is the day you will start getting treated better. Guys will recognize that you won't take being treated like anything but gold - and they will treat you like gold - or you'll leave because you don't need him (right?) After all, it's always better to have no boyfriend than to have one that makes you feel unhappy.
Q. I don't know what to do right now. This guy, Bob, who's my friend's dad, is into me. He kissed me. I tried to avoid it by pushing him away, but I couldn't. Plus we're living in the same house and he has a wife, two daughters about my age, and a one-year-old son. I'm scared that he'll do it again. I have a boyfriend, I don't know if I should or shouldn't tell him about it.
- Emily (16), New York
A. Wow. I can see why you're stressed! This is a very serious matter. You need to tell your parents about this immediately. You can tell your boyfriend some time after you tell your parents, but not before, so that your parents will have a chance to talk to Bob first. Remember--under no circumstance could this be your fault. Bob should know that his behavior is totally inappropriate. If he doesn't move out (which would be ideal) then you need to make sure that you are never alone with him, or alone in the house with him. Tell your parents that he has made it so that you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Your parents love you and care about your wellbeing--so keep them in the loop and I'm sure they will help you find a solution.
Q. My girlfriend recently made a comment that my manners as a gentleman are lacking. I am clueless - who's supposed to teach guys like me this stuff? Can you give me some pointers?
- Alan (22), Toronto
A. I, for one, really notice when a guy doesn't open the car door for me (turn-off!) and I know it's the new millennium and everything but I still like being treated like a lady when it comes to that stuff. So here are three cardinal rules of gentlemanly etiquette.
#1: Doors
Always open the car door for a woman. Not just after dinner or on occasion. Always. And speaking of that, always open regular doors for her too. Always allow her to enter before you. That means in elevators, when other people hold the door, taxis, etc.
#2: Walking
As I already stated, have some patience and let her walk through doors before you. Another thing to remember is that when you're walking down the street you should never walk ahead of her. No matter how slowly she walks (you'd walk slowly too if you had to wear shoes like that!) always walk beside her - never in front - and hold your elbow to the side so she can put her arm though or hold on if it's slippery.
#3: The Bill
Pay it - before the waiter brings it. Not in front of her...at the end of the meal excuse yourself and find the waitress or someone by the cash. Then you can return to your seat after paying and say "Shall we leave?" and if she asks you can say, "It's taken care of." Believe me, she'll be impressed! Much better than plunking your cash or card down in front of her. Again, it loses its effect unless you do it every time. Oh, and make sure you have enough cash to cover the bill before you pick her up. Asking her to pitch in because you're short or having to stop at a cash machine is not very impressive.
#4: Cell Phones
Never ever, ever talk on a cell phone in a restaurant. If it's really important then go to where the toilets are and make it fast. Talking at the table is incredibly bad manners. If you must talk on your phone elsewhere (like on the street or in a shop, etc.) then please, make it brief.
Hope that helps! Remember, in order to be a true gentleman you can't do these only when you remember or feel like it - you have to do it every time. Oh, and I almost forgot - when walking down the street, walk on the outside.
Q. I am 21 years old and 28 weeks pregnant with my first child. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 years on-and-off and we fight all the time. The reason we have problems is that I seem jealous of his roommate and best friend, Samantha. I try to get along with her but she's always taking my boyfriend out without me. The reason I am jealous is because they have slept together before and I am scared that he will sleep with her again - or with someone else. Here is my question: Is there any way to save our relationship? I love him and he wants to work things out but I am scared of another violent fight like we have had before. I am not bruised but we did push each other around. I want it to be like before.
- Victoria (21), Wales
A. Physical violence is not acceptable under any circumstance. Wake up young lady, there is no excuse for this behavior. If he struck you then LEAVE - this kind of behavior does NOT get better, only worse. You have a child coming. Do you want to expose your child to violence?
For your and your child's sake you have to start loving yourself and get pro-active with your life. If you really want to work things out then you and your boyfriend need counseling immediately. If he does not want to put in that effort then leave because he doesn't care enough about the relationship to make it work.
The only way you are going to get through this together is by both of you doing the work your relationship needs. You cannot do this yourselves, based on the information you have shared with me. You have a lot of fear issues with his best friend, which is not healthy. I think you need to have a very open and honest discussion with your boyfriend and his best friend to resolve your feelings.
Victoria, there is no room for fear in your life; there is only room for love. Start getting busy and get some help. You say your boyfriend wants to work things out, so start by walking through a therapist's doorway, and salvage your relationship together. If you don't put in the work and effort now, your relationship is sure to fail.
Q. I really like this guy but he doesn't call when he says he will and when we go on dates we always go dutch. How can I make him act like a gentleman?
- Lori (26), Sydney
A. What a coincidence! I had the same problem myself a little while back with a new guy I was seeing. Lucky me, I had just finished watching Felicity and the episode was about not compromising yourself for a guy. So what I did was the next time I spoke to him I brought up relationships (in general terms). I asked him what he looked for in a woman and in a relationship. He wasn't sure (how did I guess?) so I said that I want to be romanced. I want flowers for no reason, candle-lit dinners... that sort of thing.
I told him I want someone who's honest, loyal, and generous... and someone who always calls me back. When I said that he started telling me about how he's just plain bad at calling anyone back because he gets side-tracked or whatever. So I told him straight out that he can call his buddies whenever he feels like it but he damn well better call me on time or not call me at all! I told him I went through a relationship with a guy who didn't always call when he said he would and I won't go through that again. (Keep in mind that this goes both ways - if you expect to be treated with respect then you have to treat him with respect also.)
So you'd think he would just write me off by now, right? NO! He did the funniest thing - he started calling me when he said he would... and asking me out to dinner! And if he calls late I'll make a crack about it like "You do that just to annoy me don't you?" << ha ha >> or I'll just say flat out "What happened? You were supposed to call." Men will respect you more if you act like you deserve respect. (We've been going out for 10 months now.)
The trick with this is that you have to MEAN IT. You need to know that you're worth a guy who treats you like a Princess and that you won't settle for less. That's lesson number one, girls.
Q. I met this really cute guy when I was out at a nightclub and we exchanged numbers. The problem is that it's been a week and he still hasn't called. What do I do?
- Steph (21), Puerto Rico
A. You should call him up and act like you've been busy with other stuff in the past week. Say "Hey, it's Stephanie. Sorry I waited so long to call. I've been so busy." That makes you look like you weren't waiting by the phone (you weren't were you!?) and it makes him think "Hey! That's right! She hasn't called me..."
My best friend tried this with a new guy that she met that hadn't called her in two weeks. She didn't want to look desperate so she called, they talked, and she made out as if she was sorry she hadn't called because she had been so busy. The guy called called her back to talk more the very next day.
Q. My mom and I don't get along too well. She complains about everything I do, and every day she comes up with new things about me that bug her. I've tried telling her this but she just gets mad and walks away. What can I do to make her realize I'm not perfect? Help!
- Maja (17), Edmonton
A. I suggest that you ask your mom for a convenient time in her daily schedule when you and her can talk to each other one-on-one. You might want to suggest to go out to eat or for a drive to talk.
During your conversation you might want to tell her how what she says to you bothers you and bring up some things that she has said that has really affected you. Maybe you could also ask her to suggest what you could do to make your relationship a little better. Maybe it's that you don't talk enough or maybe you just don't understand one another. Hopefully if you two talk about your dilemma you can resolve your conflict and build a better relationship.
Q. I like this guy, but I think he might be gay. How can I find out without asking him? - Heather (28), Boston
A. First of all, I wouldn't recommend going behind his back to find out about his sexual orientation. There's a good chance it'll get back to him - and then to you. Beside that it's sneaky and rude. Why not try to get to know him a little. Maybe once you go out with him once or twice you'll find that you two aren't compatible anyway.
Try asking him to dinner. Talk about normal things like what movies you've seen recently or what you do for fun. Just relax and let the evening play itself out. Don't grill him. You may even find that if he is gay he'll just be straight with you and tell you. If not, try talking about yourself for a bit and he should join into the conversation. If, by the end of the night, he hasn't joined in and talked about his past relationships, etc. at all, even after proper prompting, then this guy is either trying to hide something or has no life at all.
Q. I have a problem - I have had more boyfriends than any of my friends, most of them older than me. None of them treat me right. They all just look for "a piece". When the guys get to know me they all actually like my personality but I still don't think they want me for the right reasons. I feel really bad when my two best friends have guys that respect them and I don't. For some reason I'm attracted to jerks. Do you have any advice? - Sonja (18), Los Angeles
A. Many older guys (and yes, I am making a huge generalization here) believe that they can take advantage of girls that are younger than them. They usually feel as if they are superior and more in charge just because their age happens to be a larger number. And some guys believe that young females are inexperienced and therefore quite naive. WRONG!
The key to older guys is to play at their level. Make them wait for sex (at least a month or more) to find out if they like you or your body. Remember, girls mature a bit faster than guys and often girls do have boyfriends that are 2-3 years older than them because those guys are acting about the same age as the girl. So, in reality, you are really dealing with a guy that is about your age. Don't let him pressure you into anything.
Make sure you let him know that you won't tolerate him trying to get a "piece" (wait - don't rush into anything), that you want him to like you for your personality, and to give you the respect you deserve. If he can't follow that then he obviously isn't for you.
Do you think many 30-year-old women would allow themselves to get into a situation that would make them feel uncomfortable? I don't think so. All people deserve respect and should give respect. Just because he is older doesn't mean that you have to grovel at his feet and let him walk all over you. Take charge and get in control, have confidence in yourself. And remember, age is nothing but a number.
