Are you with a Stringer?

By Nancy Fingerhood

      The mantra in dating is TAKE IT SLOW. Good advice for those in the preliminary stages of dating. But what about those in long-term relationships? If you've been with a man for some time and he hasn't made any substantial efforts to really move forward with you then you might be with a stringer.

The stringer keeps you around by giving you just enough to make you think there is potential for a future together, but there really isn't. Here are the telltale signs of a stringer:

It's been years and you're still in the same – or similar – place you were in the beginning.

You have this nagging feeling like something isn't quite right. The connection isn't as strong as you'd like it to be or the sense of security you had with your last serious boyfriend isn't there.

Some stringers combine affection with sweet yet vague comments. For example, while hugging you into his chest he says he isn't sure where his life is headed but he sees you in it.

When forced to confront the issue with questions like: "I want to be in a relationship with someone where there is a future together" or "Are you into this relationship?" usually he says very little and can reply diplomatically with a vague: "I also want to be in a relationship" not necessarily adding the "with you" part.

Stringers are in the relationship out of comfort, they enjoy your company, they like having sex with you, and they are content with having a date for Saturday night.

So if you have a stringer what can you do? First keep in mind that the stringer is not a deranged evil creature. He is simply acting out of convenience, which is very luring. Even you may have done the same, knowing the stringer isn't meeting your needs, but not wanting to enter the single world.

While not cruel, the stringer is more on the deceitful side. Rather than tell you straight out his intentions, he prefers to keep you with him based on false, or better yet, non-existent pretences. At the same time, he's giving you the power to choose, he's happy where he is so if you want more, you have to be the one to do something.

The real test of character is having the courage to let go of something you want but you know in the end isn't good for you. The stringer will not be the one to display character. It's up to you to be kind to yourself and move on.