Porno Clowns (We're Not Kidding)

By Leonardo Calcagno

      Porno clowns? Yes you heard me! Porno clowns! Forget Bozo making balloon animals. It's more likely you'd see them in hardcore porn videos, in nasty positions all over the net or at fetish nights carving into carnal pleasures--and some "real" clowns are getting pissed. Pissed because they're using their trademark as a tool in pornography. This clown exploitation could damage the foundations of the clowning profession (happily dressed-up middle-aged men, eating more cake that they should while making kids smile, or getting shot out of a cannon or whatever it is that clowns really do).

Due to such sexually explicit behaviour, trust has become a touchy issue between parents and clowns--just think, you could hire a clown that is getting side money after your kid's birthday making porno flicks!

Clowns have always been beings with no sexuality on our collective conscious, but these days anything goes. Stop Clown Porno Now! Is an organization on a mission to stop pornographic clowns, and clean up the clown image. I swear this is true!

Leonardo: What is Stop Clown Porno Now?

SCPN: Stop Clown Porn Now is a loosely organized and affiliated grassroots campaign out to put an end to the travesty that is Clown Pornography. Our members organize protests against clown pornographers and in support of legitimate, non-porno clowns; we also try to provide local support for clowns in peril and persons afflicted with the clown paraphilia, sometimes called "coulrophilia."

Are you guys serious?

Yes, we are serious. Clown pornography is a serious problem. The central problem with clown pornography is its too-often-conscious attempt to exploit the power that the clown archetype has in relation to each of our psyches. We graciously admit that, historically, the clown has been intimately associated with sexual antics, but the Ancient Greeks who placed huge phalloi on their comic actors are long dead, and so is the unholy common-law marriage of the clown and sexual abandon. To reintroduce sex to that archetype is to tinker with the fundamental structures of our collective psychology. Clown porn also poses a more immediate, less esoteric threat. It is well known that clown jobs are difficult to come by in this country -- Ringling Brothers even had to close the doors to its clown college in 1998, when the organization recognized that its graduates were glutting the market. What other jobs are available to clowns where they can express themselves? We fear that a number sell themselves to the whimsies of the paying communities of the clown fetishists.

How many porno clowns are around?

There are at least 20 professionally made adult videos that are available in the United States that depict clowns in sexually inappropriate scenarios. There are at least three Penthouse pictorials in which the models are made up like clowns, three Playboy pictorials, and a handful of picture spreads in less reputable glossy-print girlie mags. There are hundreds of pornographic Web sites featuring either real clowns, models dressed as clowns, or non-clown pornographic models who have been digitally remastered of the clown in a sick effort to snake a buck from the fetishist population. We doubt even if any can juggle, although a couple have proven their pie-making and throwing skills.

How do you feel about Dr. Doolitle?

Dr. Doolittle's message of the healthy expression of human sexuality is of no concern to us or the cause. However, her alter ego, Knockers the Klown, has organized one of the most insidious clownsploitation events staged to date, the clown orgy filmed by HBO's Sex Bytes. Although Knockers' public appearances since this debacle are tame in comparison to the frightening forced clown-on-clown action that's out there, waiting to subvert our cultural archetype of the well-belled white faced fellow, she is the most widely recognized of the Porn Clowns. As such, we castigate her with all the venom of PETA attacking Ringling Brothers.

Does it affect children?

The sequential mention of "children" and "pornography" is anathema to usual, and as such, we do not usually respond to questions of this type. However, it must be noted that McDonald's does not use Ronald to market their burgers to adults.

Are you a professional clown?

I, Infozo, am not a professional clown, but instead merely a supporter of clowns and an admirer of their craft. We do have pro clowns as members of the organization, and welcome any who should approach us.

How can you become a member?

To become a member of SCPN merely requires visiting the supporters' section of the Web site, reading and agreeing to the statement, and sending off an e-mail expressing your intentions. We of course welcome the planning and execution of grassroots actions. Advice can be found in the "ACT" section of our Web site.

Do you think that Krusty the Klown is into porno?

Krusty the Klown is, in fact, a cartoon character, and is hence devoid of desires and motivations. It is possible that his artists, voice-actors, and writers are into porno. It is even more likely that their revelry in depicting Krusty as, well, crusty, is in part due to the diffused responsibility that accompanies group efforts. We can only hope that, if Krusty were in fact the moral captain of his own actions, that he would not be into porno.

What are the consequences of Porno clowns?

The consequences of clown pornography include, but are not limited to: the subversion of the clown cultural archetype and what it stands for. The last time this happened was with the terror-clown, and just look where that's gotten us; the degradation of clowns everywhere and their venerable professional craft; the facilitation of the unnatural propagation of coulrophilia, possibly to epidemic proportions; the increased chance that a legitimate clown will be abused by a wrong-headed clown paraphiliac.

Check them out online at www.StopClownPornNow.org